I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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