Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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