i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
These tits shall not be calmed
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
