I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
