I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
