hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
