My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
