atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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