I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
