no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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