i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
