I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
