I skipped work to stalk him.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
