i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize