After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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