He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
