We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
