i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
