I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
