dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
