i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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