My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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