Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I want to be your penis for a week.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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