and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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