my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
