I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
