I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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