even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
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I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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