If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
