He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
