I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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