Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
