what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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