So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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