I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
