I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
