Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
