if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
