my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
