Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
