he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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