When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
