i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
