Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
