Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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