You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
