Old men and throwing up are my life now.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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