My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
