and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
