i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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