I'm so fucking centered right now
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
