im about as happy as oj after his trial
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
