my phone needs a breathalizer
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
