yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
