my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
