i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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