if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
