Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
