This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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